There is also a LAST time for everything

Have you heard the saying “there’s a first time for everything…”?

Well, I say there also a last time for everything…

Like the last time that I ask for an upgrade on a flight before checking who is sitting next to me in first class… how can a crying baby, 400lbs woman and an old lady who wants to tell you her life story be in such close proximity?

Like the last time that I read an article about NASA trying to find life on other planets.  Who can even understand what they are talking about?  I saw this article and they published this gibberish text about the signals they are picking up in deep space.  Why even bother publishing it? Do they really think the public can understand this?  Here is the text verbatim: “…w…..e….d…o….n…o…..t….c….o….m….e….i….n…..p…..e….a….c…..e…..”

Like the last time that I watch a football game from Turkmenistan… What is up with the cheerleaders wearing hijabs?  Will anyone watch this game?

Like the last time that I go on a blind date.  I was told that this girl has interesting body language.  Her body language was really burps and farts.

Like the last time that I don’t check the religion of the babysitter and how devout she really is.  I don’t want to come back home again to find my baby praying on a mat like a Muslim, making the sign of the cross like a Christian or throwing away all of our non-Kosher food like a Jew!  I am an atheist for god’s sake.

Like the last time that I go on a date based on a picture… I guess every woman can be made seen “mysterious” in a picture…. if she only looks up and stares into the distance – even the ugly ones.

Like the last time that I take my parents to the airport without weighing their suitcases first.  I can’t watch them again playing Tetris with the suitcases content, when they are told by an agent that one suitcase is 55lbs and the other is 45lbs and the limit is 50lbs.

Like the last time that I go no date based on a friend saying “she is a good sport.”  What does it mean “she is a good sport”?  In what situations does a woman get to be called that exactly?

Like the last time that I go on a TV show for couples with my girlfriend.

TV Host: So, tell me, where do you like to have sex?

Girlfriend: In the ass

Like the last time that I go to IKEA.  IKEA is like Lego for adults.  I was done with Lego at age 9

Like the last time that I go to a Mexican Fiesta that has on the invitation “BYOTP”

Like the last time that I offer a date to carry her purse.  What are women carrying in their purses that is so damn heavy??? Lady purses should only be filled with “just in case” stuff.  And the last time I checked they don’t even need their wallet or money as the guy pays for everything…

Like the last time that I go to a French restaurant.  Sitting at this place and it take ages to get our server to take our order… I don’t know about the food, the service is authentic French for sure

Like the last time I go on a date with a lady who wears an iBra.  After I spend all this money on dinner and we start to make out, she tells me “I forgot the password to my iBra…”

Like the last time I go on a TV game show.  I was the third person to be picked from the audience. We all get an item found in a kitchen and a knife.  You are asked to cut the item, and say “I cut the (item)”
The first person was given a cucumber
The second person was given a tomato
Me? I get cheese…

Like the last time I stare at a woman who puts her iPhone in her bra.  First time I saw it I thought it was some kind of a Cubism-style breast implant

Like the last time I listen to my girlfriend tell me all about her ex-boyfriend the “gynecologist”

Girlfriend: he really knew what he was doing in bed, and was so technical about it…

Me: Really?

Girlfriend: he used to comment about my Labia Majora and really get into my Urethra… such a guy


Like the last time I date a female urologist

Girlfriend: mmm… I like your Glans

Me: say what?

Girlfriend: your Glans, I like it…

Me: the who and the what now?

Girlfriend: I bet I will like it better soon and get to play with you Corpus Spongiosum


Like the last time I sent an invitation to someone hoping they will not come… (I wish I could force an email to be sent to their spam folder… Could solve so many unwanted invitations)

Like the last time I assumed the guy next to me does not understand my second language…. Note to self: How do you make sure the guy next to you does not understand your second language and eavesdropping on you? You say “so I spread her legs wide and…”

Like the last time I send in a product idea to a large corporation. I came up with “fruit on the top yogurt”, why only on the bottom?

Like the last time I buy new shoes and ask my bestie what he thinks…
Me: How do you like my new shoes?
Bestie: I am laughing with your shoes, not at your shoes
Me: My shoes just got your joke, its so stupid…

Like the last time I bother asking in London if a guy who totally looks like he is NOT English was born there…. “His name is Lord Chesterton, but in his native land he is called Falafel”

Like the last time I go to a bar in Mexico that has a sign “no shoes, no shirt, no problem ladies”

Like the last time I thought that noise cancelling headphones really work. My Bose noise canceling headphones are actually good for ambient noise but they amplify the snores of the Shmoe sitting next to me

Like the last time I had a dream about a futuristic world. In this works farts were visible… Rich people paid for a gizmo that shows their farts as pixie dust. Homeless people show it as stink cloud

Like the last time I go to a chiropractor… all these “Knack” sounds coming out of my spine. What are they called anyway? Spine farts?

Like the last time I go on a toilet right after someone finished their business… The seat is still warm! You know that any seat you go on had someone it at one point… but this one is different

Like the last one I let a ginormous fart rip loudly in a quiet public restroom full of people… Building construction code should include non-stop loud music in bathrooms…  Not fun

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