Best way to know if a guy next to you speaks your second language?  Ask your wife if she would do him.  Try it while he is drinking for best effect

Don’t fart in the frozen isle in the supermarket… You really don’t want to see if you can freeze one

My wife tells me and the kids to stop screaming so loudly in Trader Joe’s.  So we started screaming while whispering

Don’t take your older uncle to a ballroom dancing competition – he is there hoping to see a wardrobe malfunction. Take him to the local gogo bar…

Don’t run. Running gives me a low. Don’t know what they are talking about with the “high” you get, endorphins and crap

Don’t ask a gangster what were they doing when they got shot… their answer is “I was walking down the street, minding my own business…”  I guess walking down the street and minding your own business is the most dangerous thing to do

Don’t fuck a lady who has her period, no matter what she says, and how “light” her bleeding is… If you fuck a lady with a period, your dick looks like a Maker’s Mark bottleneck