Jewish Mothers One-Liners

My mom told us the ice cream truck plays the music when he runs out of ice cream…

Jew-ijitzu = The martial art of Jewish mothers.  It involves mind control tricks that require years of therapy to undo

Difference between butcher and surgeon? Salary

What are you eating, a Meatzza? – No, a meat pizza

Let me give your lousy boyfriend an “Out-troduction”, I will show him the door

After you dumped this boyfriend I could see a tear in your father’s eye… A tear of joy

This was my dream all my life.  Sorry, I meant nightmare

(sees me taking my cigarettes) going for some smoked air?

Don’t go to sleep with your head under the pillow – you will wake up with a mouth full of quarters and no teeth

They would use in a serious sentence, when they yell at you one of these funny words:
Ding Dong

You can give the pinky if you don’t want to give the finger, it’s smaller and more gentle way to say Fuck You, its less offensive

God takes taxes from Jewish boys at age 8 days

“Amuse Me?”  I thought all these years you said “Abuse Me” – this explains a lot!  Need to check my hearing

If a man talks to himself in the forest, and there is no woman around, is he still wrong?

Bars and drinks serve only one purpose, they bring down women who are out of your league into your league

The difference between small-chested women and small-penis men is that women can solve their problem with $5,000

You let your 8 year-old drink beer and throw the bottle in the trash? We recycle in this town, you know

Did you know that Einstein’s wife was instrumental to figure the famous formula E=MC2? She ate chicken and coughed when a bone was stuck in her throat
Wife: Ehhhhhhhheeee….
Wife: Mmmmmm……
Wife: Chhhhh….
Wife: Chhhhh…

Einstein: Aha! I got it

Sitting is the new smoking

Why do we need underwear? When were they invented and why? Do we really have a fear of letting it all out midday and worry that our pants will get soiled? Were they invented before tablecloth? after? as a result of?

Do you know why social media logos are always white and blue? Its the last semblance of daylight and sky you will see after you start using them

Every woman turns from a BILF to a MILF after giving birth

You should date a musician… Musicians are good in bed… They have rhythm and they know how to make the instrument make great sounds come out

What if the leader is fearful? Do you introduce them as “our fearful leader…”?

Mom: Can you tell me why do you think you need to take a shower?
Son: For one, I will smell good
Mom: For “once” you said?

At my birthdays, right after blowing the candles to make a wish, my mother would pretend she is choking to death…

I remember you rode your tricycle drunk once

When visiting my first corporate office, “Is this office oval or is it my imagination?”

Can you put this software on my desktop (pointing to her desktop)? No, its software its not a real thing.

Its ooey, gooey, sticky and has many colors – yeah, like our dog’s butt

You pick the video game you like, I pick which language it is installed in

I will give you the silent and deadly treatment (she meant a fart)

Are there more uphills or downhills in the world?

When you wear glasses and want to signal “I am watching you” you need four fingers, not two

Euthanasia? What about the Youth In Asia?

The best way to man’s heart is through his stomach – said Conan The Barbarian’s father to him

Its like asking if the wine is good in France. After I ask if the fishing is good in Hawaii

He is quite a gentleman when he is not picking his nose

The only legit question to a lady that relates to “size” is about the font in her email signature

I once worked as a waitress and served a table of four older Jewish ladies, I asked them “Is anything ok?”

Your thesis is feces

“Compliments to the photographer” – After a bad meal that had a very fancy menu with pictures of the dishes

The apple does not fall far away from the tree.  Its just that in this case the tree fell on the apple…

In Australia, the elevator capacity sign reads: 20 Australian or 10 Americans…

Who is the world champion in hide and seek? Big foot

When the sign-up sheets for volunteers were passed, the guy next to me asked “how do you spell Eisen?” (which is my last name)

We are already in Europe, we can take you to a dentist in Transylvania (about pulling your crooked tooth)

When you see devil and angel are on his shoulders, one has harp and one has an accordion

“Too much hotdog action” after looking at a naked Roman sculpture

Democracy?  You have a mockracy here

Nurse: I need to get a set of vitals from you
Mom: I am very vital

Word in menus that really don’t make sense to her:
Hand picked – like in other places robots do it?
Hand scooped – how else?
Hand spun milkshakes – no, leg spun

Why do we need to say if the fruit is on the top or the bottom? Fruit is on the side?  Where are they going to put it next? – On seeing new Yogurt

One letter or two difference can be catastrophic: illiterate vs. literate

Did you ever see him smile?  No,but I only worked with him for 10 years…

What am I getting from you? Chutzpah or Foot Spa, what did you say?

Me: Are you crazy, don’t put the phone so close to my head!  I can get a growth in there…

Mom: Good! Now something will grow in there…




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